Contents: 1) Ork Perspective 2) Human Satire. 1) We wozz bashin stoff, un Torr picked up sum zoggin ummie dakka, smashed it gud till da dakka went fasta! Made sum grot shootas, but den we ran owtta grots ta shoot owtta em. Boss smacked Torr n gave im sum bigga shootas ta powke around wiv, mayde lotza dakka! Reeel big fings. We smashed udder boyz wiv um n gotz lotza teef. Den won dey fiteing pansies sqwishy ummies, ee blew summing big up, waaaay up, but dat was derr boss, and afta da boss was smaller den so Torr ad ta find unother bigga boss. Got a shiney knew arm fer dat, afta da old bozz tuuk da last won. Den dey strapped im to derr truk, soe ee ownly blue dem other boyz up. Den ee realized ee cud make derr boyz truck go fasta so dey strapped him tu a bigga truck, torr like dem truks, but ee got too big fer em. Knew boss sed torr was big nuff now ta smash pansies wiv im, if ee cud mayke izzz truk redder den dem others, so torr made iz truk soe red it cud fly inta da black stuff up. Boss was ded appy wiv dat truk, so we cayme ere ta smash bigga stoof! Dat red truk was gud wiv day fliein but crasheey wiv da landin, dem grots was bowncy on derr bottum but nar bowncy eenuff, soe ee gotta find som zoggin knew paynt! Itz tuff bein a mekboyz….. Translated. 2) Torr came from dominant tribal orks on a planet he will never know the name of, and so neither will you. It had a good view all things considered, and when looking at it down the barrel of his gun he found it oddly peaceful. Torr is a mekboy, and he learned his trade the old fashioned ork way, by trial and error. Aside from using grots as literal cannon fodder, one grievous error came from mistaking the warboss for a small hill in the distance, and the fallout from this unfortunate meeting of minds, was two dismembered orks. Thankfully painboyz love such intellectual altercations in the local ork community, and though the old boss was never as big again, Torr got a new arm, that mostly works, on a good day. Thankfully the old boss didn't last long, because someone in the true orkish sense of fair play, smashed him when he wasn't looking and in traditional democratic process a bigger ork took the helm of our fine and growing tribe. Torr for his part in his work, was rewarded by being strapped to the front of trucks, in part because of the boss being safety conscious about being mistaken for local landmarks, but more because it also made the new warboss laugh to see Torr acting as the latest in ork safety devices. While the adventures of being both a resident mechanic to the truck and its bumper, earned Torr at least one knew knee from the generous painboy, it did allow Torr to spend a lot of time tinkering with our warbosses trucks, so much so the tribe began to move quickly between fights. Because they could move so quickly between fights, and so were fighting more, a lot of orks began to not only join the tribe but also like Torr, not crashing him into hills or trees nearly as often as they used to. One day sadly the offroad adventures of our fine hero came to a tragic and inevitable conclusion when, due to now being so damned big and green, the truck he was on wouldn't start. So Torr was very helpfully assisted and elevated from his position of resident mechanic, by being kicked off the front. The boss made Torr an official business contract, he could be in his personal bodyguard if he made the finest ork machines available, and now the ork tribe was of sufficient size, so relative vegetable intelligence and waaaggghhh capacity. Torr had access to a LOT of red paint. Using his former knowledge of being strapped to trucks, he strapped hundreds of grots to the sides of the new truck, and put an engine so big in it, that one day through more venerable grot assisted trial and error, the tribe blasted off into the warp. Which brings us to the present day, and semi psychic (waaagic) dreams of very red trucks decorated with the finest in grot craftsmanship, truly his next machine will be a work of art.
I'ze professa Dakka. I'ze from a single spore Ork Family (The rest were burned by bug 'hings). I drew a circle in da dirt one day, and Gorgutz gave me a scholeship to an Eldar War college. Wuz given a cleva disguise so da panzies didn't notice me. I failed every class every year for 8 yearz. Professa Dakka got a co-op to Arkona, and met da boyz. He stuck with em'. I'ze a goff and like to get stuck in. I'ze also like me shoota sometimes. (I also can't type or talk in Ork)
I'z da great Painboss, Dok Gitshanka. Why? Coz I shank da gitz wot need shankin'. Also coz when a git gits shanked, dat git gits ta Gitshanka on da dubble. Anyhooz, summa da udda boyz call me a "mad dok" or a "bad dok" or "WHADDYA DOIN' TA ME HEAD YA GIT?" but I don' really listen to'em. Dey'z just jellus. Dey don' unnastan' da mastah plan o' da great Dok Gitshanka. Dat plan iz ta make da Orks more Orky. I'z been fightin' da 'umies fer lotsa time now, and cuttin'em open and rummajin' 'round in deir squishy places fer even longa. An' all troo da serjereez and da travellin' and da WAAAGHS, I herd lotsa 'umie talk. Da smart 'umies. Da wunz in da coatz an' wiv da "daytuh" an' da no-ledge. And dem smart 'umies, dey talk lots 'bout dis fing called "evolooshun." It'z a big word dat meanz whenever a 'umie needz somefin' done, dey'z get more 'umier. An' dem 'umies may be panzees an' gitz, but dey might be onna somefin' dere, coz when you open up an 'umie, dey'z all red inside. Red goes fastah. So dat'z wot ole Dok Gitshanka's doon: makin' Orkz more Orky. Not just wiv cybork bitz. When I seez some poor sod git nice 'n' splatted, me kommandoz, dey git in dere and dey take 'is pieces--not like 'e needz'em anymore--and me an' my krak team o' grotz sew'em up nice an' proppa onna new Orky body an' send'im out inta da field 'n' see how dey do. Been lotsa gob-ups. Woz lotsa time afore I could turn da boyz blue wivvout dem burnin' up or gettin' eaten by da squigz. But I did it! Look at me now, wut wiv my blue boyz! Dey call me crazy, dem boyz. "Oh, Gitshanka, wot yoo doon makin' da boyz blue? Green is proppa!" But blue's fer luck, and wiv my blue boyz, I've got approximittly alla da luck. Green ain't lucky. Don' see lotsa boyz paintin' deir trukkz green, if ya git wot I'm sayin.' I'm sayin' green ain't lucky.
'lroight boyz. I iz boss zap'ead. dey calls me dat on account of me ead, witch zaps gits. now me 'ead wasnt never alwayz liek dis. i wuz da best mek in me clan, wif only da warboss 'bove me. i wuz really in charge of da waagh, but da boss wouda stomped me proppa if 'e knew. wun day mork gave me a proppa plan, 'nd weneva da boss wud come in shoutin bout smashin me 'ead in, id just make a diztr...distructi...distraktion 'nd tell 'em iz got some proppa flash for 'im. evenshually iz get so big, iz a big mek. da only problem wus dat da boss wus still in charge. 'nfortoonately sum stupid git went an told da boss bout me tellin 'is boyz watta do. 'e came inta my shop 'nd started smashin stuffs. iz came in da nick 'o time ill tell yous dat. iz fought im 'nd krumped 'im rought 'nd proppa, but not beforese 'e bashed me ova da 'ead wif 'is claw. my ead wus smashed up right n proppa like, but iz fixed it see? i dont neva need no dumb dok for me. iz just build a new thingy for me 'ead dat zaps any git dat tries ta bash me ova da ead again. im in da charge of da clan for real now an iz know how ta use all da guns 'n choppas 'n wagons 'n bitz, on account 'f me makin em all, so now dat im in charge, wes gonna go ta orkona and krump some gitz! WAAAGHHH!!
Kork bloodeye is a grot friendly deffskull pirate who loves to show the other gods gork and mork are the best. mostly chaos he beat a blood letter at arm wrestling and it turned to a squig snake beat a plague bearer at an eating contest it turned into a power claw beat a tzneetchyin demon in a foot race and scalped it to make a hat and beat a slaneshyin demon at a yelling match and now it's a big choppa
Iz a mek who likez dem Mega Dreadz, I would build dem dreadz 'an use 'em in da waagh....Until a 'umie git in his stompa rekted my lucky mega dread. So I'z decided to rek da 'umie and his stompa, don't ask how, Mork would be mad. I even took da gitz hat and armor as well, 'an I'z gotta say, it ain't ezy gettin da armor on. Den I wus gettin bored of Mega Dreadz 'an went on to build stompaz, er well, help build dem. It wuz good time for waagh in a stompa, but stompaz never 'ave enuff dakka for dis mek! Anywayz, less storytimez, more WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH TIME!!!!!
So, dere I was, knee deep in da Battle fer...uh, some planet. Me old boys and I was krumpin' gits left and right. You know, dem pinky types. Not da big 'ard ones, da li'l ones. Grot size, almost. It was fun fer a bit but we wuz gettin' a bit bored 'cause dey weren't good scrappers. Dey started bein' all sneaky like too, shootin' from trees and wotnot. So we wuz gettin' proppa bored kickin' deez gits around, right? So me boss's mek had dis idea ta build a fing to bring in sumfin' ta bring da fun back into da scrap, ya? He built dis great big fing on deez old rocks and right about when he's gonna flip da switch, suddenly da whole joint was all BOOM DAKKADAKKA! Dem pinkies decided ta throw in, FOINALLY. Da Big Mek bought it right dere when one of da pinkie's trukks took 'is head clear off wiv its big shoota, and I wuz standin' roight by 'im. Da slug went straight fru 'im and got stuck right in me skull. It wasn't going too fast by den, so I just ended up wiv a bit o' metal in me noggin... ...I gets me some 'eadaches sometimes. Also, sometimes da 'eadaches make me fink, and finkin' feels unorky. But den I fink maybe Mork, he's talkin' ta me ya know? He's a cunning one, roight? Some ov da fings dat get into me 'ead (ovver dan da lead, o' course) are real real cunnin' stuff. Den I forget, and I just use dakka instead... ...I've got dis piece...dis piece o' slug in me noggin'. Been in love with da dakka evah since, hahahah, yeah. Where wuz I wiv da story? Anywayz, I hit da bloody switch by accident. Dere's a big POP WHIZZ BURRRPP and all us lads start floatin' through dis purple stuff. Dunno where it come from neever. So we find a piece o' da building floating wiv us and some ov da ovver meks bang it up real good into somefin' we called Da Krumpstar Glaktika. 'Ad some good scraps wiv spiky gits too while we wuz wanderin'. After a real tight scrap we popped right back in right were we dis big WAAAGH was formin' up. Funny dat, roight? Must be Mork and Gork fink we're worthy of another go! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
lol. I saw that and immediately thought of two things: BOOM KA-DAK-DAK-BOOM -parody on house of pain This: REALLY looking forward to Orks, the community is awesome and really knows how to have fun. My old dusty long forgotten Black Ork (Goff?) - Nawglum-Skulleater Dosen't really have a back story: I was from another time and dimension under Grumlok and Gazbag'z Bloody Sun Boyz. A time before Orks had discovered how to reproduce or use Dakka. Having punched, ripped and generally Orked my way through the Dwarfs, Elves and Manlings lands I ended up at the siege of Altdorf surrounded by our allies: Dark Pointy gitz and Spiky Boyz and ladz alike, all gathered in the biggest Waaagh I'd ever seen. One of our tech boyz shot me over the wall on one of their contraptions,@ 2:21 - 2:23 (only a small appearance, he wasnt a very famour ork) which I made a rather graceful landing for an Ork, had a bit o' fun and was called away to the main battle. Much epicness ensued, I was about to punch the biggest Dwarf with the angriest looking haircut I'd ever seen square in the face and some bloody Bright Wizard opened a portal dead in front of my fists patch what landed me here. Now 'ow the bloody hell do I chop stuff with this 'ere gun!? bloody stunty technology! GIVE ME A CHOPPA ZOG IT! *Back in Warhammer Online, Age of Reckoning:18/09/2008 - RIP 18/12/2013 - I mostly played Dwarf Slayer with a fierce passion for my Black Ork which is why I'm leaning towards Space Wolf, though will be playing a hell of a lot of Ork* That is why I'm so passionate about this project.
