@UnluckyFellow Nex looked toward Cyrus hesitantly as he saw the smoothie pushed toward him. His eyes darted back and forth from his mentor to the glass. Eventually he did reach out and take the drink that was offered too him. He began to quietly drink from the glass and calm himself down. After a good while he put the smoothie down and looked back to Cyrus. But then he felt compelled to look away. It was a good time as any too tell him exactly what went down with Bossk, what happened. "Cyrus...how I got Bossk to cooperate. How I got him to release my father...I'm not proud of it...but I can't just pretend it didn't happen either." he took another sip of Cyrus's smoothie and put it down, he took a breath and continued. "I reached through the force...and I did exactly what Onii did to that poor old veteran back on the Phoenix. I started choking him through the force. And then I slammed him into a wall and pinned him up there, trying to break him somehow. He shot Kai, he hurt Zuri, and I thought he damned near killed Kass. And when he threatened to kill my father next I just...lost myself..." He looked down again, he couldn't compel himself to look at Cyrus. He didn't think he should. "I held him up in the air and choked him. What scares me the most is not that I was able to do that...but that I wanted to do that. I wanted to see Bossk suffer, I wanted to choke the life out of him, I wanted to make sure he would never be a threat to my father. I couldn't let him get to my dad, I wouldn't let him. I crushed his blaster into a useless pile of scrap in an instant. I yelled at Bossk, threatened him with a fate worst then death. And the whole time it was happening I heard...something. A voice, egging me on, telling me to do it. It was the same voice I heard back on the Phoenix when I started tearing the ship apart. Same voice I heard when my big brother was wounded by a pack of Xinkra and I stared them down. It was a horrible voice, a dark and sinister one." He took another sip of the smoothie and continued. "And then the Trandoshan pointed out the group of people that have gathered around looking on as the scene unfolded before them. They were so afraid. They were all afraid. They were all afraid of me. I was afraid of me. I felt like I was losing myself... I'm scared Cyrus. I'm scared. I'm scared I'd end up just like him. I don't want too. I don't want to become like that. One who feels nothing but hate and anger. One who thinks nothing of others, only for themselves. That's not me. That's not who I am. If I become like that I am no longer me." He found the strength to look back at Cyrus. Too look him right in the eyes. They were pleading, desperate eyes. "Cyrus...I want you to promise me... If that ever happens. If I ever become a threat to you, to any of you, to my father, to my family, to...her...promise me, if I become too far gone. If I fall too far. If I become the very thing I swear to stop. I want you to promise me." "You won't hold back." He sat there in silence for awhile before shaking himself to be rid of such thoughts. Such things that would hopefully never come to pass. A future that will never happen as long as he stayed himself. He downed the rest of the smoothie and took a deep breath. Having said what he felt like he needed to say he calmed himself and looked at Cyrus, with a bit less seriousness then before. "Sorry I went there with... uhh...you know what. Let's just move on. Talk about other things. Better things. Happier things. Anything really."
@GobMaw_HellSmasha Cyrus just sat in silence as he listened to Nex relay the story of what exactly happened at the hospital. He guessed that explained the awful feeling he'd felt while fighting the gangers last time. He reasoned it must have been whatever combination of emotions Nex was feeling at the time. Cyrus already had vaguely guessed at what had gone one but hearing Nex tell the story himself took some of the weight off his mind. He waited until Nex as done before saying anything. "Hey, look at me okay?" He just smiled. "That's a promise I don't have to make. Never doubt yourself, little guy. Doubt will only lead to fear. I will promise though that I won't let you fall in the first place." "You still are, for the most part, untrained. So given the situation your reaction was entirely natural. Don't completely disregard that voice...just be mindful of it. One day in the somewhat near future you'll face that voice and hopefully come out a better person for having done so. Every knight goes through this trial eventually. If it makes you feel better...then I'll tell you about my trial." He reached across the table and scratched Nex behind the ears. "But hey, you recognize what you did wasn't right. So long as that moral compass of yours stays intact then there isn't a darn thing to worry about." "Ah right, set aside a couple hours this evening as well. We've got to start going over lightsaber construction."
@UnluckyFellow Nex looked up at Cyrus. His mood didn't change from the rather sad disposition he had while he admitted to what he did. But after hearing Cyrus out, he gave him a light smile in appreciation for what he said about him. "Thanks...master, that means a lot to hear you say that" as he spoke his smile began to look more out of genuine happiness. And then something else Cyrus said began to register to him, and it made his eyes widen in surprise. "Lightsaber...construction?" He asked with his ears raises and his eyes on Cyrus, "you mean like make a lightsaber myself? Cyrus...I'm not exactly...technologically adept. I barely know how to use a datapad." Nex wasn't sure if he was looking forward to the idea of having to make his own lightsaber. He always assumed they just handed them out, or got them custom made somewhere. The more indept his training goes the more he learns how wrong he was on the intricacies of Jedi. He just hoped poorly made lightsabers don't end up exploding spectacularly. Because he assumed he was going to make plenty mistakes in the contruction process.
@GobMaw_HellSmasha "What did I just get through saying about doubting yourself?" Cyrus couldn't help but smirk. "Don't worry about it though, with the exception of some custom variations saber technology has stayed the same for a very long time. As far as technological devices go they really aren't that complicated." he unsnapped the hilt from his belt and laid it on the table, briefly unthreading the blade emitter and pulling out the core to show the blue crystal. "There is kind of a trick to them that only Force users can understand. Anyone can pick up a saber once it's been completed and swing it about, many could probably eventually learn to do it with a skill that would rival all but the best Jedi duelists. But only through the Force will the blade become your ally. The focusing crystal is useless until it is imbued with the Force. You'll do that through mediation when you build your own." Cyrus rethreaded the blade emitter and replaced the hilt onto his belt. "We'll go through each component tonight and then you can get some practice assembling it with mine. And before you say anything, no you won't break it. It'll soon become second nature putting yours back together."
@UnluckyFellow He was admittingly pretty nervous about having Cyrus use his blade as practice for saber construction. Despite the assurance that he wasn't going to break it the idea of rendering it useless and disarming Cyrus was heavy in his mind. The thought of Cyrus being endanger because he broke his lightsaber was going through his mind. But then he closed his mind of his thought and took a deep breath. He gave himself a few seconds to calm down, keep his mind off of what could be, and focus on the now. He looked to Cyrus with a more confident demeanor then before. "Right, I won't let you down Cyrus." he assured him-as well as himself- trying to push aside all doubts from his mind. And then something else came to mind. Something Cyrus mentioned that grabbed his attention. "Cyrus, you mentioned something about a trial...what...what was yours like?"
@GobMaw_HellSmasha Cyrus pushed aside his finished bowl of stew and sat in thought for a minute. "Right...I guess the argument could be made that the trial of the spirit is what makes or breaks a knight. It's designed to test your beliefs to their fullest. Not everyone's is the same, some pass it after successfully coming through a series of traumatic events, the death of a master or friend being the most common so far. Others that haven't faced anything like that are typically brought in groups either by Master Skywalker or Katarn for their test." He sighed. "Somewhere in the Outer Rim is a world called Dagobah, I say somewhere because Master Skywalker does an exceptionally good job of keeping its location secret. The entire planet is a swamp and the sun never really makes it through the thick canopy layer. There are animals of all kinds but nothing we regard as sentient lives there. " He paused for a moment, trying to figure out how best to word the rest of the story. "But for whatever reason, the planet has an extremely strong dark side presence. The whole place feels sick and twisted. We waited at the ship until it was our turn and Master Skywalker led us to this cave. Inside the cave, your worst fear...most depraved thought...anything like that is laid bare and given physical form. What we did from there was up to us." "There is no advice I can offer for it either. Knowing the secret doesn't make actually doing it any easier. I can safely say though that it was the worst thing I've ever had to go through...but I came out a much better person for it." He looked up and smiled at Nex again. "But you may not even have to do that..and even so it won't be for quite a few years. " "So please don't let that weigh on your mind because I truly believe with every fiber of my being that with or without me, you'll do just fine when the time for your trials comes."
@UnluckyFellow He looked upon Cyrus as he explained this 'trial of spirit'. A rather brutal sounding test if what was said about it was true. Nex couldn't even begin to wonder what the greatest of his fears could possibly be. And if this cave made your greatest fears, your darkest and worst fear of all made manifest right in front of you then Zuri hasn't given Jedi enough credit. If such a trial was something every Jedi knight had to go through at one point or another, then the Jedi had it way harder then he could possibly imagine. He couldn't help but wonder what would have manifested for him had he been going through the trial. His first thought was a pack Xinkra, or some other great beast. But then he start thinking more abstract. Of fears greater then his base survival instincts kicking in. Fears far worse then any pack of Xinkra. He shivered at the thought of having to face something of that nature. "Jedi have it rough then huh..." Nex stated rather bluntly, "if things of that nature are what you have to face. That's something no amount of training will really prepare you for, that's really something you yourself have to face on your own. I haven't given the Jedi nearly the amount of credit they truly deserve." He glanced back to Cyrus. Realizing that he left his question unanswered thought out his whole explaination. He wasn't sure if it was alright to just ask him what he had to go through, he didn't know if the Jedi was comfortable with sharing such personal feelings and emotional turmoil with him. And then his damn curiosity got the better of him. "Cyrus," he began, to get the Jedi's attention, "Do you remember what you had to face for your trial?...just out of curiosity. You don't need to tell me, only if you would want to share that. If you're not comfortable with telling me I fully understand. It's probably not something one would want to relive. My respect for you won't change at all if you don't wish to share something so personal outright like this."
@GobMaw_HellSmasha Cyrus shook his head. "Well I did offer to tell you, wouldn't want to make a liar out of myself." The Jedi leaned on the table a little bit, holding his head up with one hand and letting out a pfffttt sound. "Looking back on it...it was such a silly thing." "Well it was finally my turn and it must have been pretty obvious how nervous I was. Master Skywalker pushed me forward a bit and said "Remember, the only things in there are what you take with you." Turns out that's a little bit of wisdom that Master Yoda had passed along to him quite a few years earlier. Anyway...I'd been in there a few minutes and it didn't seem as though anything was happening so I sat down to meditate." He frowned just a bit, obviously not having very much fun recalling this. "After a few minutes I started to hear the voices of people I knew, they started off almost like white noise but soon I could make out whole conversations. A...portal appeared and I could see what they were doing at the time. Like looking through a window. " At this point Cyrus was looking anywhere but at Nex, eyes flitting between a salt shaker and the fork he was spinning around in one hand. "I saw my family having a nice dinner, discussing how glad they were that I was finally gone. Friends I'd had since before I could walk drinking toasts to my death...I tried to tell myself it was a trick but that feeling that makes the hairs stand up on the back of your neck just made me feel like I was just lying to myself. In that moment I knew that's how everyone had always felt, that I'd been nothing but an unwelcome stain in everyone's lives." "Wasn't sure who I was more angry at during this time, them for feeling that way or myself for having not realized it sooner. That voice in the back of my mind told me I didn't need them and to cast them all aside. Guess I just couldn't bring myself to do that though. I bawled in that cave so long that Master Skywalker had to come make sure I was okay." Cyrus blows his nose with his napkin, clearly just his sinuses clearing from the spicy Rynock stew he'd just eaten. "Pretty sure I just checked out at that point. We got back to the temple and I don't think I spoke to anyone for like four days. Took my dumb ass all that time to realize it hadn't been real at all."
@UnluckyFellow Nex took all of what Cyrus said very seriously. He felt honored that Cyrus trusted him enough to devolve the details of what happened during his trials. Just by looking at him, Nexnip was able to tell that it wasn't an easy story to tell. That it was something deep and personal to him. He got onto the table and walked across closer to Cyrus's side. He placed a comforting hand on Cyrus's arm as he looked up at him. "That...really must have been a horrible experience to go through...I can't begin too imagine how that must have been" he swallowed and he looked sullen, his fur darkening a bit, he felt bad about bringing it up, knowing now how hurt Cyrus was by it, "there was nothing dumb about that, about how you reacted, none of that was dumb or senseless. It was how you coped with it is all. Nothing foolish about it." "But...you have to realize that not only what you saw wasn't actually real, but that fear you had...that fear you might still have, that no one really cared about you, thinking that others would be happier without you, none of that is true either. You know your family cares deeply about you and your well being. You know your friends would never toast to your death, and if they were too toast about you being deceased, it would be in honor of your memory, not too disparage your name. I know, I know because you're a good man Cyrus, there's not a lot people like that in Galaxy. You're truly someone special, don't forget that. Remember that your family loves you, you have friends that care about you, and an apprentice that's looking out for you. You're a bright light in this ever darkening galaxy, that aspect alone is something to cherish." He put his arm down and just sat where he was now on the table, he eventually grinned and spoke up. "So do you want to get a second stew for yourself? We still have plenty of hours left in the day afterall."
@GobMaw_HellSmasha Cyrus couldn't help but feel a little bit better. For someone that supposedly didn't have all that much experience dealing with the greater galactic community as a whole, Nex certainly knew exactly what to say sometimes. "That helps a lot, Nex. It really does. It was years ago and I got over it pretty quickly...after those four days anyway. It was good though...once you've been through that nothing else scares you quite the same way or near as much." He flashed a small smile. "Nah, think if I ate any more I'd vomit during training. Probably best we head back to the hotel and get started." He swiped the credstick for their meal at the table's terminal and stood up, stopping on Nex's side so he could jump on again. "I'm kind of thinking mediation first actually. Give the food time to settle and whatnot."
