Me and a few other lads in DLB have picked up a Rogue Trader game, and we just finished our first session last night. I did a writeup in the style of The All Guardsmen Party, and even have a subtle homage in the writing itself, and thought you guys might find this as entertaining to read as we did to play. First, you need some context. The ship they fly is called Laughingskull's Revenge. Originally a pirate light cruiser, it got into an entanglement with an Ork ship, and instead of losing, chose Pyrrhic victory, slamming his vessel into the Ork cruiser, effectively ruining his own ship, but obliterating the Ork ship. The front half of his ship was pretty much mangled or removed, but the damage killed just about every Ork on his ship and all of the Ork ship's inhabitants. One boarding team survived, however, and made it to the bridge, where their warphead killed Laughingskull by vomiting green plasma at him. The ships' onboard hydroponics is sufficient to produce every lifeform up to grots; Any bigger, aka Orks, and there simply isn't enough gestation space, meaning none get produced. As a result the Ork population never goes up naturally, but there is a near-endless supply of grots, snots, squigs, and fungus. Spoiler Laughingskull's Corsairs were once a terribly feared raider group, and at the head of the fleet was the crown jewel of the pirate armada- Laughingskull's Revenge. No one was quite sure what he was taking revenge for, but revenge he got, because he terrorized the Hades Abyss for several decades before making the incredibly unwise decision to raid a marooned Blood Axes destroyer. The destroyer was, of course, not alone. As soon as Laughingskull engaged the ship, the surrounding asteroids began to drift out of the asteroid field. The Orks had set a trap, and Laughingskull was soundly caught in the vice. Being a light cruiser, Laughingskull's Revenge was no slouch in a fight, but the never ending waves of Ork freebooters and swarms of Grots boarding his ship eventually overwhelmed him. As a parting gift, Laughingskull ordered the ship to ram the Ork destroyer, and set a collision course. The resulting impact ruined the front half of the vessel but had the effect of obliterating the Ork destroyer and killing the vast majority of the Greenskins on his own ship. The nobs at the head of the boarding team found Laughingskull in the bridge, laughing. He raised his pistol, cackling madly, but was unable to pull the trigger as the boarding party's Warphead, Slagmaka, finally released the pent up WAAAGH! energy he had been choking down, and vomited a blob of green plasma that incinerated Laughingskull and the floors of several decks beneath him. With thair Kaptin dead and stuck aboard a half-functioning half-cruiser, the boarding team did what they could and scrapped everything they could get their hands on to fix the ship up and get it working again. A Mekboy had also been in the boarding parties, unwilling to part with the shiniest of his toys and insistent on using them in battle himself, and he managed to get the ship's front end airtight, get the engines working, and eject the remaining human crew (And several grots) into vacuum to watch them "Do da 'ead splodey dance". Armed with half a cruiser and whatever they could manage to force grots to collect from the shattered Ork ship via sketchy EVAs in equally sketchy grot void suits, the crew took to the stars as Rogue Traders, specializing in services (Specifically, the violent kind). Laughingskull's Revenge is an ancient, and almost unique, ship that was originally wrenched from a space hulk. It is a special ship that can land thrusters facing down, then deploys landing clamps to secure it to the surface. The internal gravity remains top-to-bottom, meaning boarding and disembarking from a gravity well is disorienting, but the advantage is that the ship can take off at a moment's notice and reach escape velocity faster than other ships its size can give chase and at an angle that is difficult to pursue. The now-heavily reinforced front end makes an excellent battering ram, and several heacy weapons have been mounted to the sides. Having lost a little under half of its mass, the ship is also surprisingly agile, if a bit unwieldy. The on-board hydroponics bays are sufficient to grow Orkoids up to Gretchin, but too small for Orks to grow. Therefore the ship has a near-endless supply of grots, snotlings, small to medium squigs, and fungus, but no more boyz than what survived the wreck. The current crew consists of: -Meganob Smardak Cogrippa -Nob Urtzit -Nob Slaggit -Nob Greenfing -Nob Spookums -Warphead Slagmaka -Mekboy Klanka -Sparky (Killa Kan) -Approximately 67 gretchin (This number varies wildly depending on day, bravery of grots, and hunger of squigs/orks) -???? snotlings (no one cares enough to try to count them without eating them) -Nearly a hundred squigs of various types -Probably demons The players: Urtzit Urtzit is a flash git. While not the largest or strongest of Orks, his snazzgun packs a mean wallop. He likes to collect small guns, especially exotic alien ones, and has several dozen bullets with his name on them that he uses as decorations. Greenfing Greenfing is a Kommando obsessed with Umies, and takes effort to try to disguise as them and even act like them. This goes about as well as you think. He also likes to collect books. Slaggit Slaggit is a flyboy and is a little too friendly with grots for most Orks' liking. This is rarely a problem however, as grots willingly replacing Orks on suicidal flight missions is hardly a bad thing. Smardak Smardak is a meganob of the very, very choppy variety. He loves to loot ceremonial and decorative equipment more than anything, especially commissar hats, and makes his mega armor look as ceremonial as possible. Spookums Spookums is a goff. He is the goffiest goff to exist. He has the intelligence of a brick, and the body of a brick, and he's ded 'ard and doesn't like ta fink, but he likes to chop a lot. The rest of the crew: Slagmaka The resident Warphead, and the Ork getting them through the warp. He's usually quiet and reserved, but is highly addicted to the WAAAGH!, and prone to spontaneous bouts of green plasma vomit. Spoiler Slagmaka has an unusual set of powers for weirdboys, and a great deal less control over them when things get hot. Most of his abilities have a fairly limited range, but devastating results, usually manifesting as great spherical blobs of burning green goo that melts everything near where it winds up landing, then burning through whatever it landed on until it finally dissipates. Slagmaka can perform most of the functions of any other weirdboy however, the most important of which, for a rogue trader, is the ability to propel the ship through the warp, and then get it back out. Slagmaka is usually reserved for an Ork, walking slowly and deliberately and thinking, sometimes inspecting random objects or details, then moving on wordlessly. In th eheat of battle though, he becomes as frenzied as any other Ork, and has a severe addiction to horking up great balls of plasma randomly, which earned him an unceremonious exile after a little too much collateral damage. His abilities are actually more dangerous in space, as they pose a serious threat to hull integrity, and as a result is usually used as a sort of artillery barrage, working the Boyz into a frenzy then bellowing plasma balls at the enemy ship through his void-suit. These then splatter and adhere to the enemy ship and burn large holes in its armor. Klanka Mekboy and "artist" Klanka's devices range from mildly entertaining noisemakers to extremely hazardous deathtraps, and everything in between. He has a special love of energy weapons. Spoiler Klanka is odd, even by Mekboy standards. Where most meks will gladly hand off their latest creation to wreak havoc on the battlefield, Klanka tends to hoard the best weapon designs for himself, only parting with them for a high price or as the result of force. The latter option proved to be fatal for his Warboss, who after forcing him to hand over one of his many ingenous guns was promptly reduced to a screaming, boiling yellow paste by a shot from another, fired by the very-much fed up mek. This earned him a prompt exile. Many of the Mek's designs are esoteric, serving no real functional purpose besides to do something wildly dangerous to the user, everyone in the immediate vicinity, and possibly everything in a large radius, but he is also a savant when it comes to larger constructions. He is plenty capable of producing more functional designs however, though these he doesn't value nearly as highly as his collection of random high-tech deathtraps, which he views almost as works of art. He has a special love of energy weapons of all kinds, ranging from lasers, to plasma, to electrical shocks. His most functional and lethal designs are heavy energy weapons that he hoards for himself, preferring to use them personally. He sees himself as a bit of an artist both in the shop and on the battlefield, and his inventions are both works of art and tools on their own. He will give theatrical bows and be consumed by artistic passion in the midst of battle, which can be irritating when your heavy fire support stops firing to gaze around at the bloodshed in blissful awe. However, if you need something vaporized, blown up, or in general destroyed, you need do little but provide him with a bit of inspiration and he's sure to make something bizarre and utterly destructive, then charge an exorbitant amount for his latest "art installation". He refers to his shop as a gallery instead of a workshop, and devices are often arranged in such a way they can be walked around, looked at, and interacted with (Though doing so is usually hazardous). His shop, as a result, looks more like a museum than a shop, though he does leave himself plenty of space to work. Sparky Self appointed "Grot Morale Officer" and "Squig Population Controller", Sparky is Klanka's pet project. Being a Killa Kan has its ups, and Sparky knows this. Sparky hates Squigs, and kills them compulsively. Spoiler Not all grots are created equal. Some just have luck. Through cunning, cowardice, and a general avoidance of danger, Sparky managed to survive long enough to become Klanka's assistant, where he was given a relatively safe (relatively being the operative word) job as an oil grot, lever-puller, and experiment operator. Sparky proved to be quite clever, and in a fit of inspiration, Klanka crammed him into a Killa Kan. After the standard celebratory murder of his least favorite orks, Sparky proved to be a useful asset in boarding parties, where his bulk and reckless aggression proved to be quite useful. Being in a Killa Kan also had the effect of making him forget he was a grot, and thus that he was easy to kill. During a boarding, he was caught by himself stomping through a corridor, and had a leg shot off. The three crewmen who had fired the krak missile, seeing the kan collapse sideways limply, assumed that this had done the trick, but what had actually happened is Sparky had unplugged himself from the Kan's systems. He flung the top open and tore screeching from the hatch in a fit of rage. Through sheer shock and element of surprise he managed to yank the chainsword from an officer's belt and kill the officer and two crewmen with it before becoming exhausted and simply looting the three crewmen and taking his new prizes back to the kan, plugging himself back in, and hopping on one leg back to the boarding shuttle to catch a ride home. But above all things else, Sparky hates squigs. In his formative months, there was not a creature that terrorized him more than the squigs. The bigguns were easy enough to get away from. He was faster and could fit into places they couldn't. Squigs, on the other hand, were as fast or faster than he was, and could get into any place he could. Sparky now takes great joy in killing every single squig he sees, and will become impassioned with the mighty need to shoot, smash, electrocute, chop up, dismember, and in general messily kill one if it enters his line of sight. This is actually not that bad, as without this self-motivated squig-removal officer roaming the ship, squigs would easily overrun the entire thing. The squig population has actually stabilized as a result, with the number of squigs evening out at around the point where they become common. Fewer squigs means harder to find, so fewer meet the clutches of Sparky- Many more, and they become too easy to find, meaning Sparky's genocidal rampage ramps up in intensity. As for cleanup, other grots tend to take care of that. Sparky, when not in a frenzied chase with a random squig, is generally agreeable with the bigguns, who are keenly aware he is in direct control of a three meter tall killing machine engineered to end life in the most entertainingly messy ways possible. Orks tend to not provoke him as a result. Sparky is the self-appointed "morale officer" of the grots aboard the ship, cajoling and commanding them if he feels they aren't pulling their weight. Being engineered by Klanka, Sparky has several bizarre "upgrades", including the ability to unplug himself from the Kan without frying his brain (enabling him to still perform his workshop duties), a custom power shock attachment, and dozens of different weapons and armatures that Klanka whips together out of boredom, enjoying watching the grot enthusiastically use his new toys to eradicate squigs in spectacularly violent ways. Sparky himself has a basic understanding of how to swap out the weapons, so he never has to bother Klanka to do it for him, and he never gets bored with killing squigs in the same ways! Some of his favorite armatures: -Power shock fist -Quadruple twin-linked shootas -Hammer arm -Repeater rokkits (He's not allowed to use this one any more) -Mega beem (He's not allowed to use this one either) -Saw claws -Plazma kannon -Stompy Feet -"Da Pokey Knob" (Never again; Klanka was ordered to dismantle this one after its single run. He did not argue.) Their ultimate goal is to meet up with WAAAGH! Kragmaw, currently in progress. A message has been sent out by Kragmaw Skulltaka, current Warboss, to all Freebooterz that want a good fight and lots of loot and teef, promising all of this if they help him with some "specific problems". Since fighting, teef, and loot are basically what it means to be a freebooter, who would ever argue?